Rape, a four letter word that can destroy a life, from the view point of a victim...

Before I share the main body of this Blog I really want to impress something upon each and every one of you reading this and share a disclaimer. First if you or someone you know has been raped this is a very serious issue and a very serious crime. If you even think this has occurred to you after reading this please contact the police and make a report so many rapes in this country go un reported every year, don’t be scared....do your best to at least let some one close to you know what’s going on. Also to any young people reading this there is a little bit of graphicness contained in this story so read at your own risk. Also I really want to thank the person who shared this story with me and allowed me to share it with all of you I really hope as I am sure she does that this can reach at least one person. And I think we should all admire her courage to be able to write this lit alone share it with the rest of the world. So here it is a view of Rape from a victim.....


Rape
This one simple word that has been tugging at my heart; the four letters that upon tumbling from the lips of another individual, increase my heart rate and sting my eyelids with tears begging to fall to my cheekbones. Just typing this word causes my fingers to be numb with coldness and my stomach to seep to my toes. This one little word, which used to invoke frustration directed towards a typical, irresponsible, sorority girl, now invokes immense pain and a burden on my shoulders that is impossible to lift. Now, because of one day, one night in which I possessed no control over a situation in my own bedroom where I felt safe, I am forced to assign myself to a population of individuals in which I never desired to belong. Just the thought of being a statistic, a number, breaks my heart and causes me to feel far less than unique.
It's something I tend to ignore, something that for almost a year I pretended didn't even happen to me. Forcing myself to type the word, to say the word: RAPE, is difficult at best for me to manage, and even harder for me to explain to another human being. My count now is a hand full of people in which I have told about the "event" and it doesn't seem to get any easier each time that I try to explain the course of events which progressed that night. Even now the blinking cursor is taunting me to tell more and type more. The little line is forcing my heart to beat faster to keep in time with its appearance on the screen. I tend to put it out of my mind at most times, however it seems that actually being in a class on campus that deals with this subject is actually forcing me to deal with my denial. Every time the professor talks about this topic, I feel my body begin radiating with heat and I feel that everyone in the room is immediately concentrated on me. I get this image in my head that I am standing naked on the table in an anatomical position for all of those around to observe the specimen with a giant black "X" affixed to my vagina that screams out to all of those glaring, "This girl is tainted and scarred."
The events of that night seem less relevant at this point compared to the things that I have learned about myself through this entire process. The fact that I denied the event even happened is the first major concern I began to address with myself. I seem to continuously give excuses for other people and their behavior and this situation was no exception. I told myself that he didn't really mean to hurt me and I continued to believe that this was true for far too long. I've realized that I try way too hard to make relationships work that I should never enter into to start with. I attempt to see only the good in people and ignore the bad until it is far too late. I've also learned that I could have come out of this situation much worse off than I am. I believe that for some reason I was able to learn a lot from this situation and not have any major issues to deal with as a result of it. I could have been very untrusting of people in general or even specifically of males which would have made it difficult for me to be in any kind of intimate relationship. However, I feel that I am still able to love a man with all of my heart without being guarded and protective of my feelings. I've also learned that those men that I am in relationships with want to know about this. I know it doesn't change me as a person, but it is part of who I am now and I should not have to hide that or be ashamed of it anymore. They truly care about me as a love in their life and want to share with me in every hard thing or good thing in which I have gone through.
This is something that I deal with every day now. I was raped. It happened to me, but it doesn't control me or make me any less valuable as a person. I am still capable of loving and being loved and deserve that as well. I don't need to lower my standards or accept anything less than exactly what I want in life because of a situation in which I had no control. It's not my fault I was raped and there is nothing more that I could have done to prevent the situation. It took me a long time to realize that and actually believe it. I believe that was the first step in my growth and progress.
I am not happy that this happened to me, but I know that I am stronger through it. I have been able to help other people because of this experience and that is something positive that I would never have been able to imagine coming out of this. Two of the people that I was able to share my experience with had also gone through similar experiences and our willingness to share with one another helped each of us to be encouraged and strengthened.

Doughnuts,Hunger, and Wastefullness

Last night I was taking a break from work and went up to the local QT (for people that dont live around here its a chain of convienence stores) just wanting to get some water and maybe a snack, normally everything is cool but this time i see one of the employees just throwing away a huge amount of doughnuts and other food that hadent been eaten that day. So just out of curiosity I asked him, "What do you guys do with all this stuff"? The answer just blew me away,he said they just threw them in the trash...A whole mountain of pallets stacked with food that was perfectly good that was being thrown away. There was probally enough food there to feed the entire homeless population of the city i live in and it just made me angry. Then it occured to me how much food all of us probally waste each day about how even I take for granted being able to even eat in the first place. Other then that things have been pretty good lately and i know have probally a weeks worth of materal to Blog about so look for some good stuff coming in the next few days especially tomorrow when I talk about a very sensitive subject from the point of view of a victum im really excited to see what you all think, so until tomorrow see ya later people...