Life, Love, and Everything in Between

How to be Happy?

2010-03-25T23:27:00.001-07:00

How can we every truly be happy? I think this is such a complicated subject that I probably cant explain but I'm going to take a stab at it. We all usually go through life seeking to do things that will provide us the most happiness. Some prefer their happiness now, and some like to lay the ground work for having happiness in the future. If we take the first case for face value this leads us to think that the person that seeks happiness now seems to be on to something. In reality though it does not work like that,now. now. now simply puts us in a state of running around in circles to gratify our urge's to be happy and in some cases this prevents us from ever moving forward in our lives. Even if that is not the case it seems like a life time of hard work and energy spent to try to quell a constant need for happiness. But is the person that prepares for future happiness really that much better? It seems that the person that likes to prepare for future happiness works time and time again adding more tasks to his'her list until that list is so overwhelming it makes the future seem so far away. This can lead to questions like, "when am i ever going to catch a break", "I have done all this work and have nothing to show for it" and more questions of the lot. From my perspective both people have a skewed perspective on, "happiness". it seems that the better way to be is to seek happiness in a state of, "equilibrium" some where in-between, "now" and "tomorrow". a simple answer it seems but really thats what I think the best method for achieving happiness is. But more then happiness in my life I want to seek JOY, that kind of eternal feeling of happiness on a level far beyond, "just feeling happy".....

LOVE.

2008-11-18T22:11:00.000-08:00

Love....this seems to be the time of year to discuss the prevalent theme of the holidays. People are making up, breaking up, hooking up, shacking up etc. It seems when ever it starts getting cold everyone wants some one next to them to keep them warm. And honestly loving, being in love and just love in general are and is a pretty amazing emotion. Some one recently said to me, “Sandy look at all your past relationships that haven’t worked out, you must have not been very successful with the whole dating thing,” This kind of stunned me, and really made me think long, hard, and very deeply about the past relationships I have been in. And what did I come up with spending time thinking back to all the wonderful people good or not that I was lucky enough to be in relationships with? Honestly it made me smile, the fact that I was able to experience Love so many times in the short life that I have lived not puppy love but real, unfiltered, unadulterated, 100 percent true love. Some people ask me, “but yeah you’ve been in love but haven’t you been hurt a lot as well”? The answer to that question is yes, but honestly the more I experience being in love all the hurt seems to just fade away knowing some day ill have another chance to experience it again and that’s really what I think its all about every steep is one that much closer to being with the one I will be with for the rest of my life. I’ve watched ex’s of mine get engaged, married and honestly find true happiness and even though it seems cliché I’m truly glad that to be apart of the steps they had to take to be with the one who completes them. So what am I trying to say by writing all of this....Love is amazing, and honestly I just love to love in general in what ever aspect that maybe. I really think Love in general just produces a calming effect in all of us that cannot be rivaled by anything. Love a word mentioned between 208-508 times alone in the bible depending on your version.....Hey Jesus....I think you were on to something...

Sometimes Things Get Worse Before They Get Better

2008-11-06T08:07:00.001-08:00

My Situation continues to get worse, but my sprit seems to be getting better. The situation as it stands now is I have no money in the bank, 189 cell phone bill 144 storage and around 215 to get my car running again, and no food in my apartment and no money to even eat. So far I managed to get a job and started yesterday but I really won’t start making money till next week. Again you think I would be severely depressed and down, but for some reason I’m just fine its funny how stupid all your other priorities look when you just trying to eat everyday. Even though this is a bad situation God is really teaching me a valuable lesson that taking my cross up and following him should be my number 1 priority and that if I leave absolutely everything to him I will truly be taken care of. I look back to the person I used to be before 8 months ago and there would have been no way I would have been able to handle this, God really does give us everything when we have nothing and the power to get through anything that comes our way, even though things continue to get worse I know something better is just around the corner I just need to stay patient and wait on the Lord to bring it to me and not the world, and currently I have no regrets about anything I’m doing all I can and the best I can now its just up to God....

The story here lately...

2008-11-01T16:29:00.000-07:00

Things have been so crazy here lately; it seems that everything I do recently has ended up backfiring on me. Every attempt to get things straight has resulted in the road becoming full of curves, two steps forward and 3 steps back. My situation as of now is I have 10.00 in my bank account, just got laid off, and have about 400 bucks in bills to pay, 300.00 to fix my car that’s been sitting in my apt. parking lot now for 2 weeks, and no hope in sight to get things taken care of until next semester starts. Due to all of this I made a decision to accelerate my plans and join the Army as of last Wed. I swore in and am no longer a civilian, I go to basic may 12th come back go my last semester and graduate then off to AIT training in Texas. So now comes the hard part....waiting and trying to get things squared away until I can get some serious income in Jan. Honestly you would think with all of this happening I would be super stressed out and at the end of my rope. But for some reason I just feel like everything is going to end up being ok one way or another, God is seriously taking care of me emotionally and is really giving me something to lean on through this tough time. I really owe everything I’ve ever had/have to him, it seems these days I’m learning that the less I have the happier I am.....

Rape, a four letter word that can destroy a life, from the view point of a victim...

2008-10-02T20:57:00.000-07:00

Before I share the main body of this Blog I really want to impress something upon each and every one of you reading this and share a disclaimer. First if you or someone you know has been raped this is a very serious issue and a very serious crime. If you even think this has occurred to you after reading this please contact the police and make a report so many rapes in this country go un reported every year, don’t be scared....do your best to at least let some one close to you know what’s going on. Also to any young people reading this there is a little bit of graphicness contained in this story so read at your own risk. Also I really want to thank the person who shared this story with me and allowed me to share it with all of you I really hope as I am sure she does that this can reach at least one person. And I think we should all admire her courage to be able to write this lit alone share it with the rest of the world. So here it is a view of Rape from a victim.....

Rape
This one simple word that has been tugging at my heart; the four letters that upon tumbling from the lips of another individual, increase my heart rate and sting my eyelids with tears begging to fall to my cheekbones. Just typing this word causes my fingers to be numb with coldness and my stomach to seep to my toes. This one little word, which used to invoke frustration directed towards a typical, irresponsible, sorority girl, now invokes immense pain and a burden on my shoulders that is impossible to lift. Now, because of one day, one night in which I possessed no control over a situation in my own bedroom where I felt safe, I am forced to assign myself to a population of individuals in which I never desired to belong. Just the thought of being a statistic, a number, breaks my heart and causes me to feel far less than unique.
It's something I tend to ignore, something that for almost a year I pretended didn't even happen to me. Forcing myself to type the word, to say the word: RAPE, is difficult at best for me to manage, and even harder for me to explain to another human being. My count now is a hand full of people in which I have told about the "event" and it doesn't seem to get any easier each time that I try to explain the course of events which progressed that night. Even now the blinking cursor is taunting me to tell more and type more. The little line is forcing my heart to beat faster to keep in time with its appearance on the screen. I tend to put it out of my mind at most times, however it seems that actually being in a class on campus that deals with this subject is actually forcing me to deal with my denial. Every time the professor talks about this topic, I feel my body begin radiating with heat and I feel that everyone in the room is immediately concentrated on me. I get this image in my head that I am standing naked on the table in an anatomical position for all of those around to observe the specimen with a giant black "X" affixed to my vagina that screams out to all of those glaring, "This girl is tainted and scarred."
The events of that night seem less relevant at this point compared to the things that I have learned about myself through this entire process. The fact that I denied the event even happened is the first major concern I began to address with myself. I seem to continuously give excuses for other people and their behavior and this situation was no exception. I told myself that he didn't really mean to hurt me and I continued to believe that this was true for far too long. I've realized that I try way too hard to make relationships work that I should never enter into to start with. I attempt to see only the good in people and ignore the bad until it is far too late. I've also learned that I could have come out of this situation much worse off than I am. I believe that for some reason I was able to learn a lot from this situation and not have any major issues to deal with as a result of it. I could have been very untrusting of people in general or even specifically of males which would have made it difficult for me to be in any kind of intimate relationship. However, I feel that I am still able to love a man with all of my heart without being guarded and protective of my feelings. I've also learned that those men that I am in relationships with want to know about this. I know it doesn't change me as a person, but it is part of who I am now and I should not have to hide that or be ashamed of it anymore. They truly care about me as a love in their life and want to share with me in every hard thing or good thing in which I have gone through.
This is something that I deal with every day now. I was raped. It happened to me, but it doesn't control me or make me any less valuable as a person. I am still capable of loving and being loved and deserve that as well. I don't need to lower my standards or accept anything less than exactly what I want in life because of a situation in which I had no control. It's not my fault I was raped and there is nothing more that I could have done to prevent the situation. It took me a long time to realize that and actually believe it. I believe that was the first step in my growth and progress.
I am not happy that this happened to me, but I know that I am stronger through it. I have been able to help other people because of this experience and that is something positive that I would never have been able to imagine coming out of this. Two of the people that I was able to share my experience with had also gone through similar experiences and our willingness to share with one another helped each of us to be encouraged and strengthened.

Doughnuts,Hunger, and Wastefullness

2008-10-01T16:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I was taking a break from work and went up to the local QT (for people that dont live around here its a chain of convienence stores) just wanting to get some water and maybe a snack, normally everything is cool but this time i see one of the employees just throwing away a huge amount of doughnuts and other food that hadent been eaten that day. So just out of curiosity I asked him, "What do you guys do with all this stuff"? The answer just blew me away,he said they just threw them in the trash...A whole mountain of pallets stacked with food that was perfectly good that was being thrown away. There was probally enough food there to feed the entire homeless population of the city i live in and it just made me angry. Then it occured to me how much food all of us probally waste each day about how even I take for granted being able to even eat in the first place. Other then that things have been pretty good lately and i know have probally a weeks worth of materal to Blog about so look for some good stuff coming in the next few days especially tomorrow when I talk about a very sensitive subject from the point of view of a victum im really excited to see what you all think, so until tomorrow see ya later people...

previous blogs

2008-09-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

Nothing of interest to post today just wanted to start this thing up and post some of my previous blogs from myspace, and facebook feel free to comment on any one of them weither it be positive or negative I really hope the previous blogs I've written or the ones I'm about write in the comming months can reach out, and help to encorage and inspire anyone they come into contact with. thanks for stopping by and dont forget to comment

What it is to truly be, "Creative"

2008-09-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

Creativity, something I've never really thought of until tonight. For background I was at worship for Christian Campus House down here and the minister was speaking about how creativity is so important to all aspects of our lives. He went on to say that most people have a narrow definition of creativity like being able to create interesting things, being artistic, being musically talented etc. But what is creativity really about, what if we are all creative and just do not know it. God was the ultimate creative being he made everything we see, touch, hear, smell, and taste. From the birds in the sky to ants that crawl on the ground. God was truly the ultimate creative being and guess what? We were made in his image and like the saying goes, "the fruit never falls far from the tree" did we really fall that far from God? Did his creativeness spill onto each and every one of us? I am sure any one could debate this point but I believe that each and everyone of us are truly amazing, different, creative people in our own way weather we know it or not. Going back to some stuff I wrote a while back the world truly tries weather successful or not to fit each and everyone of us into a mold or place among things this mold for better or worst usually is not who we really are but through conditioning of others and constant influence of the world we end up becoming comfortable in this mold. According to the bible Christians are set apart from every one else, but what if its not necessarily that we're set apart as it is we are just conditioned not to follow what the world wants for us but what God wants for us and through that were able to tap into the person that is underneath that wall the world has built for us. In my opinion anyone can tap into the person God wants them to be the person they really are, some people including my self believe that through God we end up knowing our true place and who we really are. Some people believe in individual achievement. It doesn't matter what any one believes, we are truly creative people from the way we talk, to the way we think and if we can truly tap into that creativeness inside of all of our souls I believe that we are truly making God happy and that he loves and values nothing more then each and every one of us being who he created us to be weather we believe in him or not. Don't be afraid to be who you really are, to say the things you really want to say, to feel the way you really want to feel, don't hold back in life, love, or anything for that matter do the best you can and do it YOUR way not anyone else's or how the world wants you to do in doing that you find the true definition to creativity....

Death and God’s will.....

2008-09-16T11:37:00.000-07:00

Death is a terrible thing, this past weekend one of my best friends of many years lost her child Grace, after a month and a half battle in the hospital and being 2 months early the doctors and Grace fought as hard as they could but just had to let her go Saturday morning. The reason for this blog was that i was sitting in the memorial service overcome with emotion remembering when my mom passed away about 2 years ago and the pain it caued me and then the pastor said something that caught my attention. He said that it could not be God's will to take a little child from us. This cought my attention and immeditely the gears in my head started to turn, I was thinking; everything would make it seem like our loving a and gracious god wouldn't purposely take the little children away from us. Sitting there I was conflicted kind of upset at God for taking Grace, then as i was sitting there praying I felt a overwhelming sense of calm come over me and I understood. Who are we to question God's will, he has no concept of time, space or anything else for that matter he can litereally make anything happen, and sitting there with all those people who Loved and cared about my friend Chandra it dawned on me that even though the tone to the occasion was somber and even with all the pain everyone was feeling, there was still so much Love in the church that day it overshadowed the pain. Loosing some one close to you is a terrible thing but I again rememberd loosing my mother and thinking if i would have had that many people close to me and loving on me things would have been so much easier for me. Death is a funny thing it either brings people closer together or tears them apart and im so thankfull to God for the love and support that he has given Chandra and her husband Trevor, and that being said i feel that in this situation God's will is truly being done.

Life, love and everything in between

2008-09-12T11:38:00.000-07:00

Lately I'm just generally stoked just to be alive, to be able to wake up and even take a breath before I start my day, to even be able to walk out of my apartment and make it to class (even if imp always late). It seems every situation that's been happening has helped me out in some way or another, weather it be to improve my self or just making me aware of my true feelings about a number of things. But even the bad situations don't really even phase me; I seem to be coming to realize what the truly important things are and what things aren't. Those important things are Life in general Love for others, and appreciating all the beautiful shades of grey that life has to over in between those 2 things. I really think people get so caught up in meaningless stuff its unbelievable maybe I know this because I really used to be that person or it might be just a feeling. It seems my heart is in a different place now then it's ever been which is good but makes it super hard to adjust to things, I still continue to grow as a person so rapidly that its hard to slow down and enjoy life as it goes by, so much has changed in this last almost 6 months since my life got turned upside down but so much still remains the same and I feel I'm so blessed to have all the great friends that I have that have been super supportive about the things I've been through, I've made my mistakes and will continue too but with the help from all the people that love and care about me in my life I've kept that to a minimum but there's one thing looming over my head that I still have to face....Its my past all the people I screwed over, all the people I hurt and caused pain too, all the retarded situations I used to get myself into, and the terrible attitude that I used to have to others, I have to realize that some people no matter how much I know I have fixed myself will believe that these changes I've made aren't real or that I am the same person I used to be. Gossip sucks but the sad part is most of the gossip that used to go around about me is true and I cant, and don't want to run from it, Every day I have to face the consequences for the person I used to be and honestly I hate that person with every ounce of my being and no matter what I have to continue to focus on the road ahead and not the road behind me that some people chose to believe ever fell away....When we come to Christ we're given a new life and I don't intend to waste this new life being even a small fraction of the person I used to be, I want to live, and be the person God is molding me into that being said I cant wait to see the future ahead.

Remembering my mother 1952-2006

2008-05-12T11:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday and friday are huge days in my life, 2 years ago yesterday my mom overdosed on painmeds and alchahol and began her journey into the lord's arms a journey that lasted until May 16 the day i was given the opportunity to truly release her to our heavenly father. Its hard to beleive I've been completely on my own since that crazy day 2 years ago and to look back and see all that has happened to me. God's path isnt easy I've hurt, blead my heart out, gotten close to commiting, suicide, suffered, and felt many other emotions I would NEVER wish upon anyone but through it all even though I didnt believe God has been behind the scenes pulling me through and now after a long fought battle I'm finally allowed to see the result of what it feels like to follow Gods path and the reward at the end of it I cant describe in words the happiness i feel being at this place in my life even as I type this tears run down my face I am truly satisfied with everything in my life and everyone around me and even people i havent met yet. The more i let God in the more he comes in and speaks to me and now im ready for that I am truly ready to do whatever God has planed for me in this life and make my mother proud every day in everything I do by not just believing in God but living my religion every day, every minute and in every breath I take no matter the trials and tribulations i might go through, being honorable to my mothers memory is something thats above the top of my list and something that burns within me like a fire that can never be put out. Its crazy no matter how many times people have tried to hold me down and strip the things i love and care about away from me I always pull through and will continue to do so no one in existance can ever take away my determination no mater how much they try and with the fire of God buring inside me.....good luck. I am who i say i am and will always be that person even when I meet god in heaven because even if i loose everything I have I will still have everything within my faith for the Lord which is all I need and will ever need because everything else is just "stuff". So on this week a week that tore apart my world 2 years ago I remember all the good times and the truly loving nature of my mother and mothers everywhere.....my mother built me into the person I have become and a mothers love is the most beautifull thing that could ever exist on this plane of existance or the next....so to any one reading this: if you havent told your mother you love her do it now, if you havent given thanks to her for bringing you into this world and giving you the gift of her self sacrificing love show her thanks. A mothers love is something you will NEVER be able to replace in your life and you should never try. When I remember my mother I remember her laugh, I remember her smile, I remember the way she would say, "I love you son", I remember the way she made me the center of her world, I remember the way that she encouraged me even if everything was against me, I remember the way she always held me in her arms and told me everything would be ok even if it wasent, I remember the long talks we would have about life, and the many lessons she tought me, I remember a person that had the kindest heart beneath the drugs, alchahol, and pain she was going through, but most of all I remember her last words, "son I want to give you a better life, and i cant do so if im alive...Its time for me to go" words that ring through my soul and only now I'm seeing that she saw the will of God and gave up her life to give me life.....That right there is what makes our Mothers the most incredibile people in our lives...self sacrifice is the noblest thing in existance and most of all I remember Kathryn Elizabeth King (August 3 1952 - May 16th 2006) A woman that will live forever in my heart.